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Tuesday, Aug 21, 2018
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The secret to Amazon Prime Day is buying only what you really, REALLY need

Prime Day is upon us.

At 3 p.m. today giant online retailer Amazon will unroll its biggest sales of the year to celebrate its birth month. That could mean either big savings, or the urge to buy stuff you donít really need because it seems like a good deal. So, you have to be careful. Diligent, really.

But some of the stuff is so cheap and youíll probably use it sometime, right? Who doesnít need 12 Elmerís Glue bottles ó glue doesnít expire, I think ó and a four-pack of hand sanitizer for just $11? TOTAL no-brainer, everyone hates germs and thereís this $12 acne scar and wrinkle removing serum that looks super legit.

So, like, if I add that to my cart, thatís fine, right?

WAIT. These. Are. The. Cutest. Copper. Mugs. I. Have. Ever. Seen.

I love Moscow Mules and drinking them in non-copper mugs is sacrilege. I can totally make them at home (can I buy vodka on Prime?) and then, oh my gosh, I can have people over, finally, for that party I have been meaning to have. If I buy these cups for $15 then I basically HAVE to have the party. These cups could change my life, so, thereís no reason not to get them.

See: The trick is to focus on the stuff you need to improve your life.

Like, thereís a bunch of pet supplies and Amazon is advertising up to 30 percent off. My dog can get so expensive, so stocking up now is fiscally responsible. Okay, so, this dog jacket? Perfect example. People will drop $50 on clothes for their dog. So silly. This jacket that comes in five colors is marked down to $20.99. STEAL.

And yeah, I live in Florida and itís the dead of summer. But Iím just thinking ahead to winter when there are those few days it drops below 50 degrees. And also with all this climate change business it could get downright arctic this January and then Iíll be stuck with all the other idiots who didnít snag a dog coat on Prime Day. Then Iím dropping $50 on dog clothes so my pup doesnít catch pneumonia and thatís just foolish.

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So thatís why you go in to Prime Day with a plan because no one wants to be foolish. You get the Amazon app, too. It lets you watch items so you get alerts sent to your phone as soon as something you need goes on its sale price. You donít want to miss out on any of the deals!

And now Amazon has extended Prime Day to be more than 24 hours because Jeff Bezos has harnessed the power to bring you cheap face scrubs AND redefine how long a day-long sale should be. Itís all so you can spenó I mean save even more.

The biggest sin of Prime Day would be letting your phone sit anymore than a few inches away from your hand for the entire 36 hours. Get ready to save SO much money.

Stock up on big-screen TVs, wireless headphones and $280 air-purifiers!

Sara DiNatale is a Times staff writer who covers retail. Contact her at [email protected] to tell her how good she is at writing satire. Follow @sara_dinatale.

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