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Alexandra Petri: I’m definitely not in favor of sex cannibals. So why do I keep voting for them?

By Alexandra Petri, Washington Post
Published: December 4, 2017 Updated: December 5, 2017 at 05:58 PM

At first, when I heard the news that my beloved party’s candidate for (president) (senator) (other state or local office) had an enormous collection of women’s femurs that he used to eat to gratify himself sexually, I was, frankly, taken aback. I am not in favor of that kind of thing, myself. It goes against my values.

When I heard several eminent elders of the party denounce this man on the presumably uncontroversial grounds that the party could be better represented by candidates on whose property a freezer containing unidentified human remains had not been recently discovered, it seemed correct. How, I thought, could we possibly support someone who, by his own admission, only takes joy from smiting women with a mallet?

But then some time passed, and I remembered that I hated Nancy Pelosi.

And I want a wall. A transparent wall, so that innocent women walking past it will not be struck on the head by flying bags of drugs and killed. I do not want women to be struck on the head and killed, unless it is by the candidate I am now thinking about supporting again.

Look, we’ve all done things that are bad. Jimmy Carter lusted in his heart. Al Franken lusted in his person. And Hillary Clinton did 9/11. I just want a representative who will pass laws against abortion and gay marriage.

I have values. When people describe what kind of voter I am, that is a word they use as an adjective. I have on relatively good authority that Democrats molest pizzas, voted illegally in droves for a president from Wakanda — a FICTIONAL place — hate Christmas, and would all enter into wedlock with masculine goats if it was in their power. (My wife read this to me on Facebook.)

That is why I cast my ballots with pride for upstanding Christian men, like (candidate name), who may appear to be a (giant pile of turnips that knows no respect for law) (sad baby someone patted on the back to make it burp) but is the kind of God-fearing man the Founders would have wanted. But not Jefferson, though Jefferson might have approved of the racial tinge of some of (candidate’s) remarks.

I am going to pray about it, and then I will see who I will vote for. My candidate — I guess I should stop calling him "my candidate" after the femur thing — has been denounced already by major party figures, but really, they are part of the establishment machine, and if I hate one thing, it is establishments and machines. I guess that is two things.

Besides, it seems awfully convenient that he would admit casually to a string of unsolved murders from the 1970s right before the election. The allegations are credible, but is it ever possible to possess full and perfect knowledge of anything? We don’t even know why the sun revolves around the Earth, or whether we are using cats as intended. News, facts, video recordings, the testimony of 38 medical examiners, shaking with rage — they’re just the guesses of other people as lost as we are. We’re not God.

How do we know that this isn’t made up, like the bad things people keep saying happened in history? Historians would have us believe the Confederacy lost — but if that’s true, then why do we have all these statues? (Candidate) is also acting like it doesn’t matter, and maybe there’s something to that. I am sure there are two sides to the story. Sure, there was a signed book of human parts recipes with little notes in the margin, but they that might not be his. He also hasn’t apologized. That’s how you know he didn’t do it. Apologies are for Democrats. They are the real sex predators!

I know you’re saying, "Where will this lead? Would you vote for the Zodiac Killer, if he were a Republican?"

Well, if President Donald Trump said something nice about Ted Cruz, I’d consider it. Washington Post