Jake, If You Can Hear The Sound Of Their Voices
Published: Jul 11, 2007
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The electric bill for the lamp the Bucs left in the window for Jake Plummer just arrived, and it's a whopper.
They're thinking about building a nuclear plant to keep it going.
Where's Jake?
Training camp is just around the corner and the Bucs continue to hold out hope that Plummer will join them.
Where's Jake?
Where's Jon?
Word is, Bucs coach Jon Gruden and his trusty tracker, GM Bruce Allen, have ditched their own vacation plans to expand the search for the missing quarterback.
Allen and Plummer had been in contact, but, well, who knows with flighty Jake.
A brief travel log follows.
Mammoth Cave, Kentucky. Gruden, Allen lowered into an unexplored chasm. They find bats, spiders and four-legged tusked creature.
Gruden times creature in 40-yard dash, asks about its family. Allen shines a light on a wall and discovers crude cave drawing of Bucs offense.
Death Valley. Completely parched, Gruden, Allen split up. Gruden looks for water, Allen seeks feed from Fox News Channel. Gruden finds snake, makes sure it isn't Plummer, then eats it. Becomes dehydrated, disoriented, says his name is Keyshawn when found by park ranger.
Atlanta. Allen boosts Gruden over bushes to check Rich McKay's guest house one more time.
Lourdes. Gruden, Allen make pilgrimage, splash healing spring water on faces, join candlelight sacrament procession, see apparition. Apparition asks Gruden why he kicked the field goal at Pittsburgh.
Pamplona, Spain. Gruden, Allen run with bulls. Bulls become enraged when Gruden fails to establish run.
Amazon Rain Forest. Gruden, Allen make way upriver. Per instructions, they release Ed Glazer into wild. Still no sign of Jake.
Discover primitive tribe. Gruden teaches secret of fire by burning Bruce Gradkowski jersey. Allen sees lack of foodstuffs, tells two in tribe there is no room under cap for them, is struck in neck by a blow dart.
Easter Island. Allen, Gruden come ashore on one of world's most isolated places. No Jake. Gather samples of volcanic rock, examine massive, mysterious carved stone statues. Find one of Alstott, flee.
Mount Everest, Base Camp V. Gruden, Allen strap on oxygen tanks in preparation for summit assault. Gruden shows Sherpa bearer photo of Jake. Sherpa says Bucs should not have let Lynch go. Gruden goes in, zips up tent. Allen reaches summit, plants Bucs and Manchester United flags, buries Jerramy Stevens' arrest record.
Mariana Trench. Gruden, Allen descend to world's deepest ocean trench miles beneath Pacific. Observe new forms of plant life. Still no Jake. Shrimp abound. Gruden finds shells arranged on ocean floor spelling "We Love You, Coach Dungy," sighs, surfaces.
Tampa. "Hey, Bruce, Jon, this is Jake, just phoning to check and leave a message. … Where are you? I've been hanging out on Clearwater Beach. I know you guys want me at camp. I'm thinking. I got the postcards. I loved the one of Jon on the elephant. And thanks for the T-shirt from the Galapagos. Talk to you soon, maybe."
