Now is the season when we combine our avid interest in drinking adult beverages with our white-hot passion for watching millionaires, hundredthousandaires and athlete scholars chase an oblong hunk of inflated leather.
Hey, everybody! It’s time to watch football and drink responsibly!
It’s also time to examine your tailgating equipment and ask, “Could I possibly be doing more to promote a positive and fun drinking atmosphere with purchasable novelties I really don’t need?”
I had that thought the other day in a discount warehouse shopping facility when I saw display for a PORTABLE BAR WITH UMBRELLA (Hey Costco, would it kill you to LOWERCASE YOUR SIGNS?) adorned with a Florida Gators logo.
It came with a heavy-duty carry bag. It included a built-in insulated cooler. It required no tools to assemble. It required me to ask, “Might I be exactly $249.99 beneath the limit on my credit card?”
Sadly, I had to draw the line and grab the reins of reality.
But the encounter with such an object reminded me that there are many other more creative accessories worth considering when the desire to test your game-day liver capacity becomes suitably inflamed:
The company’s description of this $899 motorized, driveable cooler: “Cruzin Cooler combines two basic necessities of life: The ability to have cold food or a beverage handy along with the means to get somewhere without walking.” This sudsmobile has a 10-mile range, so, you know, go ahead and ride to RayJay from Lutz. We can only hope Segway invents a model that keeps the rider from falling off.
Wine Rack Bra Flask
Hey ladies! Want to sneak some booze into a game and enhance your figure with a device that is in no way demeaning to your gender? This $34.95 wearable bra-shaped flask with a strategically placed sipping nozzle will “turn your As into double Ds AND get you buzzed.” Support can be beautiful. And intoxicating. Stay classy, Tampa.
If you’ve seen those YouTube videos where someone shucks an ear of corn in 5 seconds on the end of a cordless drill, you know the concept here. The Spin Chill is a $12 drill attachment that hugs onto almost any container of beer, soda or wine. Spin it below the ice line and the beverage is frosty within a minute. It was invented in Gainesville, which in recent seasons has had many reasons to drink quickly thanks to Will Muschamp.
TailGator Gas-Powered Blender
Is it necessary to spend $289 for a 25cc, Poulan 2-stroke, 2.25-horsepower, pull-cord engine with a primer, choke and kill-switch attached to a variable throttle capable of blending a 45-ounce batch of margaritas in 15 seconds? Only if you want to be awesome.
Life of the Party Backpack Drink Dispenser
Walk around any pigskin parking lot with a 105-ounce beer tube in a double-spouted backpack and you will, indeed, be the life of the party. At $29.99, its an affordable trade-off for achieving instant, Guy Fieri-level fame. As long as you can tolerate becoming a human beer mule, of course. Life is full of such decisions.
Incredible Giant Fist Can Cooler
HULK LOVE BEER IN CAN. HULK HAVE LARGE FIST. HULK PUT COLD BEER IN LARGE FOAM FIST TO MAKE THE FUNNY FOR ONLY $16.99. Ahem. You get the idea. Act accordingly.