Reefer Madness In Iowa Caucuses

Published: Dec 18, 2007

With the Iowa campaign in wild flux - and in the case of Hillary, acid reflux - The Des Moines Register decides to hold a tie-breaking debate with the two Democratic front-runners.

Carolyn Washburn, the phlegmatic editor of the paper, once more moderates.

WASHBURN: Sen. Clinton, I'd like you to start us off by explaining why your campaign has been getting down and dirty with someone so clean and articulate?

CLINTON: I apologized to Sen. Obama. I absolutely did not authorize or condone the remarks made by one of my co-chairs in New Hampshire about my distinguished colleague's youthful indiscretions. If primary voters don't care that he did "a little blow," then my goodness, why should I? Even if he had packed a straw full of the white rabbit and had a snow bunny blow it in his ear, who would care, for Pete's sake? I only wish I knew all that colorful chasing-the-dragon lingo. Sen. Obama certainly has a lot of street cred, even if it isn't Main Street. We owe it to the good people of Iowa to stick to critical issues like the economy, and how to get a fiscally responsible budget like we had in the '90s, the '90s, the '90s -

WASHBURN: Snap out of it.

CLINTON: Sorry. Anyway, even if Sen. Obama were still riding the snow train, I would not allow any revelations about it to sully this campaign. I'm not sure who that young man in a hoodie was that Barack was talking to outside tonight, before the debate. I'd seen the young man earlier, standing around in the shadows outside. But that's neither here nor there. Even if I had been able to see whether any money was exchanged, or who was selling to whom, I would not allow anyone in my campaign, even that scamp Mark Penn, to use the word cocaine, cocaine, cocaine -

WASHBURN: Senator!

CLINTON: Continuing in this vein, I just want to conclude by saying, both in terms of experience and illegal substances, I am vetted. I am tested.

WASHBURN: Sen. Obama, what would your priorities be as president?

OBAMA: I will pass a health care bill because I am not a polarizing person whose negatives are completely off the charts, and I'm certainly not threatening to drag down the whole party at a time when we should be killing the Republicans.

WASHBURN: Are you referring to Sen. Clinton?

OBAMA: Most certainly not. I want to bring a new kind of politics to Washington that can reverse the polarizing atmosphere of the '90s, the '90s, the '90s.

CLINTON: Don't bogart the time, Barack. I'd like a hit. Carolyn, shouldn't there be some timing device to let my young friend know when he's going over, something that would go "BONG!"

OBAMA: I know what you're doing, Hillary. I wasn't born yesterday. She wants Americans to think I'm so young and green that I can only run for White House intern. It would be a stain on me to sink as low as her.

CLINTON: I don't appreciate that crack. If you're going to needle me, Senator -

WASHBURN: All right, you two. We're out of time. Have a Merry Christmas and -

CLINTON: And I am sure that Sen. Obama is dreaming of his usual White Christmas. Hitch up the reindeer!

Maureen Dowd is a columnist for The New York Times