COLUMN

Answering The Call To One's Duty

By DANIEL RUTH

Published: Aug 2, 2007

War is hell - and apparently really stinky, too.

At first blush, or perhaps flush, you might be under the impression that U.S. Central Command at MacDill Air Force Base is at the epicenter of the worldwide war on terror.

But it would also seem what we have here is the Coalition of the Charmin.

Recently, Navy Capt. Samuel J. Cox, who is the commanding officer of CENTCOM's Joint Intelligence Center, or JICCENT, took note of the fact the work environment was beginning to smell like Chemical Ali's socks.

In an e-mail to his staff, Cox sniffed: "I've tried to be discreet about this, but one of the rare Un-professionals in JICCENT has forced my hand," or perhaps the captain's plunger.

It seems that for all the billions and billions and billions of dollars the Pentagon has spent on the Iraq War and other conflicts around the world, the Defense Department still can't build a CENTCOM restroom facility that doesn't control the release of … shall we say, vivid reminders that Kilroy was here.

"The bathroom/head/latrine (whatever you want to call it) near the NGA and JOM (Imagery spaces) does not have adequate ventilation," Cox fumed, in more ways than one. "As a result, when someone takes a dump in there, lots of other people nearby trying to do their work get to enjoy it too."

Sorta puts a whole new spin on the term "biological warfare," doesn't it?

And thus, Capt. Cox, like any good officer, seized the initiative and in a sort of "Remember the Alamo" of commodes, drew a line in the loo.

"In response to complaints about the malodorous working conditions, I have had two signs put up in the bathroom that state that #1 is OK, but do #2 in emergency only. Someone has stolen both signs. The second one was in the form of a directive signed by me."

Why, there hasn't been this sort of insubordination directed toward a Navy officer since someone stole Capt. Queeg's strawberries in "The Caine Mutiny."

Nipped In The Bud

Cox, now in full MacArthuresque, "I shall return" mode, was hellbent on nipping the great can caper in the bud: "Therefore, if you do #2 in that bathroom, you are in direct disobeyal of an order, a UCMJ [Uniform Code of Military Justice] offense, and then you will really be in a world of crap. (Yes, I realize civilians and contractors aren't covered by UCMJ, but it is still an order and I can make you wish you'd gone down the hall to the big bathrooms to do your business.)"

Sorta puts a whole new spin on answering the call of duty, doesn't it?

What would happen if someone violated Capt. Cox's order and did a #2 with full reckless disregard of a commanding officer's authority? Would this be something out of "A Few Good Men" meets Tidy Bowl?

Can't you just see it now: "You can't handle a 1,000 flushes!"

For his part, Capt. Cox conceded that a court martial for someone who pooped in direct disobeyal of his order was a pinch problematic.

"I obviously cannot regulate people's bodily functions," Capt. Cox noted in an e-mail to the Tribune. "I am, however, responsible for the health and welfare of personnel under my command, as well as the material condition of assigned spaces.

"It is well within my authority to issue an order regulating the use of spaces and facilities within my area of responsibility."

Clean Slate

Capt. Cox noted the most severe punishment he could mete out for someone violating his order would probably be "… 'informal verbal admonishment' more commonly known as an "a- chewing." Bad word choice, perhaps, in this context.

Given the horrific conditions the troops on the ground in Iraqi must endure, that Capt. Cox was quick to note a ripe bathroom at CENTCOM rightfully seems trivial. "On the other hand, our troops have no alternative, but we do in Building 540," he explained, citing a more ventilated bathroom facility nearby.

Capt. Cox said he was merely trying to inject a bit of levity into CENTCOM's Dungkirk crisis. And he had.

In a few months Capt. Cox will be moving on to another assignment.

He expects the missing signs will be returned to him at that time, which should wipe the slate clean. Bad word choice, perhaps, in this context.