You Want Ketchup With Those Cuffs?

Published: Jan 24, 2008

In the annals of "Boy, what the ^%$#@ was I thinking?" this probably ranks up there with Nick Nolte saying, "Sure, I'll have one more for the road," and Richard Nixon musing, "An Oval Office taping system, what a great idea!"

By now it has probably dawned upon Clearwater Police Officer Matthew Parco that it's not a lot of fun being vilified as the Snidely Whiplash of the AARP.

Imagine a law enforcement reputation sullied for want of a lousy, stinking bag of McDonald's french fries?

There was Parco minding his own business last Thursday when he pulled into a McDonald's drive-through lane and found himself stuck behind 75-year-old Jean Merola, aka the Ma Barker of fast food.

Merola requested a special order of deliciously oily fries without salt and had been asked to pull into a parking spot to await the arrival of her feast.

Supersizing The Drama

The elderly grandmother's lard-butt-sized Lincoln Town Car, however, still blocked the way of Officer Parco, who found himself confronting Merola in an effort to move her land yacht.

Apparently these two hit it off about as well as Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama as heated words and gesticulations rose to a fever pitch.

After about 20 minutes of what will never be confused with the snappy repartee of the Algonquin Round Table, Parco had it up to his ears with Merola's very bad impersonation of Granny Clampett and decided to arrest the old woman on a charge of disorderly conduct.

Clearwater's answer to the Bonnie Parker of Big Macs was cuffed and dispatched to the hoosegow where she remained for several hours before being released on her own recognizance.

Now it is metaphysically impossible for a senior citizen to get busted in a McDonald's parking lot for essentially being a sort of feisty female version of Mr. Dithers and not have the world's media beating a path to Merola's door.

So it didn't take long before the old lady was getting more air time than Britney Spears, as she told her tale of woe, thus making poor Officer Parco look like something out of "The Shield" meets "The Wire." Not good.

Good Sense Got Quarter Pounded

But the biggest victim here was pragmatism.

A small suggestion. Perhaps in the future, in addition to all the other stuff taught at the police academy like how to shoot people and read suspects their Miranda Rights, a course ought to be offered on simple common sense in dealing with seemingly banal situations, which can suddenly get out of hand.

At the same time, can we please rein in the glorification of Jean Merola?

Being an old geezer still doesn't give someone the right to mouth off to a cop, who was making by the way a perfectly reasonable request.

Suppose, just for the sake of argument, Parco had been suddenly called to an emergency, perhaps a horrible accident, maybe the shooting of another officer, and he was delayed by moments, minutes, by a rude, stubborn, nagging Jean Merola who refused to move her car a few inches?

Would she still be perceived as merely a colorful old coot? Or a threat to public safety? Or maybe one fry short of a Happy Meal?

Keyword: Book of Ruth to read and comment on Daniel Ruth's blog.