Oh Happy Day, The Check Is In The Mail

By STEVE OTTO The Tampa Tribune

Published: May 2, 2008

Most days the mail just sits there in the box until one of us finally goes for the bad news. Weekends are usually worse. For some reason, Saturdays are when we get the bills that are messed up; the ones that some store's accounts have somehow taken a debit instead of a credit.

(I think that's because on weekends all of those departments are closed, and when you try to call them up, you spend hours working your way through those long automated answering systems only to find out nobody is there.)

Not this weekend. This weekend the Frau, like millions of Americans, will be staring out the window, wondering where the postman is and whether or not he will be bringing that check with him.

You know the check I mean. The rebate check. The stimulus package that is going to finally turn this economy around. That check.

Actually, I shouldn't be surprised she is eager for the money to arrive. She has already spent it about six times over in her head.

Most of the time, she spends it on bills. It's never the same one. I can't complain too much about that. She's the one who handles the books and it's comforting to know that there is a plan to pay off at least some of the bills.

It's The American Way

I see it differently. I've tried to explain to her that the whole idea behind the check is to get this economy moving again; get people back in the habit of spending money on things they might not really need. I've read stories that the retailers are gearing up for huge sales in the coming weeks.

"You know," I said, "it's practically un-American to spend that money on bills. We also probably shouldn't spend it on things like gas or milk or paying the electric bill, although I suppose there are some gray areas.

"I think it would be OK to spend it on our cable bill as long as it includes those extra channels that we might not need to survive.

"And you can't spend it on food staples. You can only buy stuff at fast-food restaurants or maybe that low-fat latte with no whipped cream you get at Starbucks. Maybe we could go to the movies and get one of those tubs of buttered popcorn. We could spend the entire rebate right there. Yeah, I think the president would approve of that."

She did have a momentary lapse last week when we got a brochure in the mail from one of those cruise lines, offering free upgrades if we booked our cruise to Alaska right now.

Gimme A 'B…13'

I reminded her that we had taken that cruise last summer to Alaska and she hadn't even seen the glaciers because they were holding the jackpot bingo game just as we sailed up the channel. Not only that, but she had lost, even playing three cards at the same time.

"Besides," I added, "I think we need to spend that money right here in Tampa and see if we can help boost the economy around here. Why don't we just plan on checking into a downtown hotel and seeing the sights around here? One day we could take a stroll down the Riverwalk."

"So what are you going to do for the rest of the two weeks?" she asked.

I thought about it for a few seconds and decided maybe paying off that Home Depot bill might not be such a bad idea.

Keyword, Otto Graphs, to read and comment on Steve's blog.