COLUMN

Think We Can Get This Done By Lunchtime?

By DANIEL RUTH

Published: Aug 16, 2007

This had to feel like Glazers suddenly discovering they are about to get stuck with a dinner tab.

There in the morning mail addressed to Hillsborough County Commissioner Brian Blair was a missive from his colleague Rose Ferlita, the Little Bo Peep of Public Service.

No good was going to come from this.

Blair and his fellow Winkin', Blinkin' and Nods of yes men, Kevin White, Ken Hagan and Jim Norman, had been blissfully sailing along as the obliging handmaidens of real estate development interests in their effort to get rid of those annoying wetlands and those ooey-gooey animals when the likes of Ferlita came along to gum up the works.

The Four Horsemen of Cement had made a move to eliminate the wetlands division of the county's Environmental Protection Commission. Since the wetlands division was something of a rarity in government - an agency that actually protected wetlands - this sort of heresy simply could not be condoned any longer.

A Sellout? Us?

Even more irritating, during a commission meeting July 26, scores of the great unwashed citizenry appeared to berate Blair and his fellow Pips of Patronage for selling out the wetlands division.

Today, the board will once again take comment before voting on the wetlands program's final fate, which prompted Ferlita to write to Blair on July 27.

In a letter that had a sort of "Teacher, you forgot to assign homework" tone, Ferlita implored Blair to hold today's public hearing in a larger venue to accommodate what promises to be a sizable attendance.

Ferlita also asked that those wanting to speak to have at least three minutes instead of the mere 60 seconds Blair allowed last month. And Ferlita suggested that the commission take a punctual lunch break from noon to 1 p.m.

"The interest of the public in this matter deserves that we implement these changes; our obligation as the EPC board demands that we do so," Ferlita concluded.

Horse's Patootie

Blair blew off Ferlita's concerns, especially the time allotted for public comment, suggesting, "It should be noted that public comment is not the only medium by which the public is able to make their sentiments known, as evidenced by the numerous e-mails, letters and faxes."

Or put another way: "I've already been inundated with communications calling me a horse's patootie. Do you really think I want to subject myself to any more of this in a public hearing?"

However, Blair did agree to Ferlita's lunch-hour proposal. Who said there are no more profiles in courage?

So if you plan to attend today's commission meeting, here are some guidelines.

It's possible Blair will allow you 20 seconds to speak. How fast can you say "horse's patootie"? However, if you are developer, take as much time as you want.

Do not look directly at Blair, or risk being turned into a pillar of spandex.

Don't forget the wooden stake, garlic clove and mirror.

Commissioner Blair and the rest of his Four Fops should be addressed as "Your Eminence," "Oh Living Deity," "My Liege" or "He Who Must Be Parlayed."

Or you might try "Lunch Is Now Being Served." That ought to get Brian Blair's attention.

Daniel Ruth's column appears Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.