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Thursday, Apr 19, 2018
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Steve Otto Columns

Otto: What happens when last meals are politically inconvenient?

“All right, Killer, here you go.”

“Whaddaya mean, Screw? I still got three hours. Leave me alone.”

“It’s your last meal, Killer. We like to send people here at the Big House out on a full stomach, even rats like you.”

“HEY! Come back here, Screw! What is this stuff?”

“I told you, Killer; it’s your last meal. You can even have seconds if you want.”

“Heyyy, what is this? What’s the deal here? What is this stuff? I turned in my order last week for my last meal.

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“I specifically said I wanted two dogs from Mel’s in Tampa, a pressed Cuban with extra pickles from Faedo’s, a boliche from the Columbia and a chile relleno and some tacos from Miguel’s. I don’t see any of that stuff here!”

“Just settle down, Killer. I got the menu. It says two cucumber sandwiches, two tuna salad and two egg and olive finger sandwiches, two bacon-wrapped chicken livers, one deviled crab, two smoked salmon dips on crackers, two crackers with cheddar cheese, two with swiss, one with brie.”

“Heyyy, what is this? What are you guys trying to pull? This garbage ain’t no last meal. It’s some girly stuff.”

“Take it easy, Killer. The attorney general is holding a fundraiser tonight in Tampa and they delivered all of her appetizers here at the Big House instead of her big house in Tampa.”

“Oh, man! This isn’t right. And what about that cold brew you promised to sneak in. You said I could have one last cold one before the ... you know.”

“Sorry, Killer. I couldn’t pull it off. I do have an amusing 2009 Schwarze Katz trockenbeerenauslese I could let you sample with your cucumber sandwiches.”

“Take this stuff away and bring me a peanut butter and jelly. And could you check and see if there is word from the governor’s office? My mouthpiece said he will call one minute before midnight and put this thing on hold again.”

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“All right, Killer. It’s time. We don’t want to keep them waiting.”

“Hey, it’s only 11:45. ... Is somebody standing by the phone? Are you sure the governor hasn’t called?”

“Sorry, Killer; we keep a phone over in the room next to where ... it happens. We’ll make a last-minute call just to be sure.”

“OK, Killer, I hope the straps aren’t too tight. It’s 11:57 and we called the governor’s mansion and he’s not there. I’m afraid ...”

“Warden! Warden! We’re getting a call from the attorney general in Tampa ... She wants to know if it’s too late ... She wants to talk to Killer!”

“I knew they weren’t going to let me go this way, warden. I can’t move my hands because they are strapped in. Put the phone on speaker and hold it over me.”

“Killer! Killer! Are you still there. This is the attorney general speaking.”

“Thank you, ma’am. I can hear you. I gotta tell you I was getting a little worried. Someone said you might call. Am I being pardoned?”

“Pardoned? No way, Killer. What I wanted to know is what you thought of those cucumber sandwiches. Nobody here at the party has touched them, not even the governor. He sends his regards, by the way.”

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