It seems only appropriate that Miley Cyrus would headline 93.3 FLZ Jingle Ball, since everything and everyone around her seems to jingle and jangle — almost to annoyingly deafening levels.
For more than a year, many of us have witnessed the ever-twisting plot lines in the drama that is the pop singer's life. Which got us thinking: If Miley's life were a reality show, how many stars — or in this case, jingle bells — would each episode get?
Four jingle balls — It's a party in the U.S.A.
Three jingle balls — Life is what you make it
Two jingle balls — Nobody's perfect
One jingle ball — A wrecking ball
"Miley Gets A New 'Do" (Three jingle bells)
The August 2012 chop heard 'round the entertainment TV and social media world was empowering for Miley. Gone was tween Disney heroine Hannah Montana and born was an independent, fierce and calculating singer. So loud was the hate for the rock 'n' roll 'do, Miley took to Twitter to defend her hair. “Feeling happy, pretty, and free.”
"I Love You Liam" (Two jingle bells)
Miley falls in love, out of love, and then, in May 2012, gets engaged to Liam Hemsworth, her co-star in the forgettable movie “The Last Song.” How cliche.
"Twerk This" (Four jingle bells)
It's hard to imagine a world where foam fingers are innocent props for sports fans, grandmothers don't know what a “twerk” is and Robin Thicke doesn't remind us of Beetlejuice, but then again, nothing was really the same after Miley's sexual-coming-out performance at the VMAs in August. We're pretty sure it was responsible for about 12 million boys hitting puberty in unison.
"The Break-up" (Three jingle bells)
How are you supposed to be living all #YOLO, when you're all #WeddingDressShopping for an engagement with the non-Thor Hemsworth brother?
"I <3 ConStruction Equipment" (Three jingle bells)
When “The Wrecking Ball” video was released, it was sort of like one of those HGTV shows, but with more nudity and licking the sledgehammer instead of using it to remove drywall. It turned out to be a decent combo, though, because the single hit No. 1 pretty quickly.
"Hannah Who?" (Two jingle bells)
In October, the CD “Bangerz” drops, and its amalgam of sounds running from gritty hip hop to country twang exceeded critical expectations and dissolved any remaining preconceived notions about Miley's music as anything but a billion miles from “Hannah Montana.”
"Light Up" (One jingle bell)
Last month, Miley lit a joint on stage at the MTV European Music Awards. Well it was Amsterdam, so maybe she felt like toking was more appropriate then twerking. Oh wait, she twerked on a space dwarf after stepping out of a spaceship. Far out, man.
"Meow" (Three jingle bells)
Miley performs with giant lip-syncing space kitten at the American Music Awards. The kitten cries at the end of the song. That alone is worth one jingle bell.
"They Don't Get It" (One jingle bell)
GQ magazine puts Miley on a list of “least influential celebs.” Considering the number of Teddy bear-toting Mileys we saw on Halloween and girls with their tongues jammed out of their mouths in our Instagram feeds, we have to think this was little more than wishful thinking on the part of the men's mag.